For years I have been struggling with a chronic tiredness, which quite often leaves me unable to be as active as I want to be, to give as much energy to projects and my work as I possibly can, to get to the bottom of those to do lists and to live life to the full. How often I compare myself to others, who seem to manage everything regardless, I admire them greatly and see them as super heroes. I felt like that again this morning and all the insecurities of not being a good enough woman rose to the surface, all the frustration of not managing to live my day as I had it perfectly planned in my head, gave the day that dark edge, which I dread so much. However then I read another chapter of Women Who Run With Wolves, this time on nourishing our creative lives, and it is not an understatement to say that I had another mini revelation. Thank goodness for wise words when you really need them. Reading that actually it is ok to stop and rest, that it is part of our cycles, that we need to do so to refocus, turned my whole perspective on its head. It took the edge off my panic and helplessness. In a way it gave me some ownership over what I experience. Estes writes that fatigue is nature, not failure or inadequacy. Just nature. I can deal with that.
Another concept that is addressed in this chapter concerns renewing intention and strengthening it. Once again an analogy of nature makes things crystal clear. We are told to cut away the deadwood to make the tree grow stronger. I do this all the time in my garden and am amazed over and over again how luscious, how vibrant, how much larger than life a tree or shrub becomes once it doesn’t have to deal with the branches that are sucking its energy away. Look for what is not working for you, hindering you from shining brightly, get rid of it now and grow. I love the simplicity of that. When I thought about it I realised that I am currently doing my usual trick of trying to do too much, juggling too many things; sometimes because I want to, like my creative projects and sometimes because life demands it of me. Of course juggling makes me tired. Narrowing down my priorities, and doing one thing well, one thing at a time, instead of many things with little energy- that is a huge lesson to be learned and relearned again.
The other element of refocusing and strengthening which I took from the chapter is that it is fine to sit with an idea, to spend time with it, to “take the idea and rock it to and fro” until that idea is ready to be out there. So often I feel that I must complete something at all costs, that I am up against time constraints, and I must keep up with this relentless schedule. But actually, to listen to when a creation, a thought, a piece of writing is ready, makes a lot of sense as it will be richer, stronger, more a part of me.
I am off to write today, to immerse myself in the incredible Finding Your Voice e- course by Jen Lee, which is opening so many doorways for me, and which will lead me to many a future blog post. Incidentally, she also speaks of nourishing an idea, taking time to shape and nurture it, to decide whether it is ready to be released into the universe. Another wise woman to learn from indeed. So writing is my goal for today. Just the one goal. All day. Anything else I achieve is a bonus.