My intention for Dreamchair Adventures has always been to reach for the many positives in my life and to share these with other kindred spirits. However, I am slowly but surely coming to the realisation that in order to put my whole self, my truth, out there, there also have to be moments of vulnerability. Hopefully this is not going to develop into a moaning post, where I pass on my misery to the world, but I do want you to see the whole me, warts and all. Thus, I shall put my brave hat on and continue typing away, building up the courage to hit the publish button at the end.
It has been one of those weeks when I have been able to physically feel how tense and anxious I am. I am full of knots and twisted edges, of forced, strained movements. Whilst there are current events making my week far from stunning, there are also those underlying factors that periodically rise to the surface, and which I must work through time and time again:
Autumn is my favourite time of year, it is when I am at my most creative, my most productive. The crisp air and glorious colours make me feel so alive, so connected to my world. However, it is also the season when my physical self begins to drop, to struggle, to have to face battle to begin each day. I am often so very tired that I feel fully depleted, with nothing left. Thus I am full to the brim with frustration. Add to this mixture those negative gremlins, whispering so persuasively into my ear as I contemplate putting my art out into the world as motivation cards and you have an uncertain and most self critical me.
My anxiety levels are also stupidly high. Anxiety about what others think of me mixed with a heavy dose of anxious responsibility for the people in my life. To me there seem to be many cutting remarks and words said in the heat of the moment. People don’t seem to consider other people’s feelings as much as they used to, it is a harsher world I live in. As well as this I have been reminded this week how precious life is, and how very quickly it can change. Just like that. What you imagine to last forever, or do not expect to happen, has a habit of changing the goal posts. Of course we all know this piece of wisdom but reminders leave me feeling frightened, questioning everything. I think too much. I am not good at change. And as part of this week’s events I realise that the momentum of my fear of death and loss is building;I know that there is much work to be done there. I’ve never admitted I have this fear but releasing the words feels right at this moment in time somehow.
Staying with the idea of this harsher world I find myself in, and attempting to end this post on a positive note, I do like to think that I am a warrior in the battle for good. I fight for that magical element, for a world filled with beauty, a world full of kindness and heart and dare I say happiness. As you can imagine I am not very good at watching the news! I do think the world needs people who believe in this better world, to keep the balance in tact; stopping the negativity and inhumanity from possessing it completely.
Sometimes life is hard and I feel vulnerable. What do you do when those vulnerable moments hit with force?
