A love note

Prompt: A love note

The Milena Alphabet

This alphabet is inspired by Susannah’s ABC of important things. Having enjoyed reading hers so much I thought it would be a fun way to see what I consider definitive parts of my own life.

The Milena Alphabet

A is for artwork. I stopped creating when I left school and for many years I shied away from it; suppressed it for fear of not being good enough and because I wasn't in the right mind space to open up to the joy of creating. Here is my latest piece to prove that those times are done and dusted.

B is for blogging. I love this space dearly for being able to document part of my life, and wish to develop it in much more depth this year...watch this space!

C is for cats. I am a mad cat lady. Shadow, Charlie and Smudge, who all had terrible starts to their furry lives, but who are all truly contented puddies now, bring much meaning and love into my life. 

D is for detective series. Monk, Marple, Poirot, Murdoch Mysteries, Jonathan Creek, Body of Proof, Risoli and Isles, Silent Witness, Maisie Dobbs - yes there are many ( and I know my husband will roll his eyes at this list;)

E is for e-courses. Life lines. Sources of knowledge and wisdom. Wondrous communities that I can feel a part of, not an outsider.

F is for fatigue. This seems to have become my constant companion. Sometimes I can sit with it, more often I feel such frustration. 

G is for garden retreat. My favourite mug states: I garden therefore I am. 

H is for hurry. I do far too much of this, and know very well that if only I would slow down, many things would become more meaningful, easier, more developed, richer, healthier etc etc etc

I is for introvert. I always smile at myself when I call myself this because as a teaching assistant it is impossible to be an introvert. Somehow I have mastered the art of shaking off the introversion with children but the rest of me fits totally into that definition. I like quiet, I like time with myself, people and events tire me greatly even when I am really enjoying them. For years I thought there was something wrong with me but now I wear the word as an invisible crown.

J is for journaling. I have writing diaries since my teenage years, oh the stories they tell!

K is for kindred spirits. Ever since the first time I watched Megan Follows as Anne of Green Gables this phrase  has struck a chord in my heart. I have always searched for them and when I find one it is like opening a treasure chest.

L  is for lights. Twinkle lights, lamp lights and candles. Magic in the making. 

M is for mental health. This is a topic very close to my heart and I am feeling inspired by the current Time To Change campaign, which sets out to break the stigma attached to mental health. Find out more here.

N is for nieces. Those two little girls have stolen my heart so completely.

O is for observation. I am a people watcher, a people listener.

P is for photography. Had you asked me a couple of years ago what I thought of photography, I would have shrugged and said that it was not my thing. However, since taking Susannah’s Unravelling course two years ago, I am hooked and on a tremendous journey.  I’ve just seen one of these lovelies and would love to add its instant wonder to my collection for that  finite thrill of not editing.

Q is for quality. I would rather do something to the best of my ability than to do something that is average. This of course leads to self doubt and that old devil Perfectionism ( see how important it feels, I even gave it a subconscious capital), but when I have achieved something that my quality standards approve of, tis the most satisfying feeling in the world.

R is for reading. There wouldn’t be a Milena without books. 

S is for stationary. I am an addict and proud of it. Currently I am into the delightful Smash journals thanks to Liz’s video. I’ve just found this gorgeous washi tape to use within too. Do share your online stationary shops with me :)

T is for teaching. Believe it or not, something I swore I would never enter into throughout college and even university!

U is for unabridged. I am working hard on being the whole me, expressing truthfully who I am, facing the fear in some cases and being me anyway. I think I have a habit of showing different parts of myself in different circles, quite often because I feel the situation and the people involved demand it of me. But I feel I am getting stronger as I learn more and more about myself. 

V is for vocabulary. Something I really wish to extend. I read such delicious words used by others and long to magpie them and use them myself.

W is for wolves. Women Who Run With Wolves. Life changing. 

X  is for eXperiment. Outside of the comfort zones. I need to do more of this.

Y  is for yoga. Marianne changed my whole perception of yoga with her brilliant online courses. She made me realise that there is yoga out there for everyone. Yoga doesn’t have to be perfect to heal and strengthen, for each body is unique and will do what it is able to do.

Z is for zoo. Twycross Zoo is truly special to me for the care and conservation that defines it.

Where I lay my head down

Prompt: 

Where I put my head down.

To rest.

To sleep.

To dream.

Where is your go to spot to renew your spirit?

Stop the words now.

Open the window in the center of your chest

And let the spirits fly in and out.

Rumi

Dreamcatcher

This story started off as a drawing, and not of a dreamcatcher but actually my first attempt at a mandala! As I drew, the mandala began to look like a dreamcatcher in my eyes and before I knew it I was creating a story in my head to accompany my artwork. I feel incredibly vulnerable sharing my writing with you, however, I start as I mean to go on with my word for the year, stories.

The Dreamcatcher

Her inky, earnest  eyes were searching. In the midst of the hustle and bustle of a new term, with the stories of presents and cheer, she stood out. With feet  planted solidly on the concrete playground, she created a curious stillness.

I inquired if she had enjoyed her holidays, to which her reply made my breath catch for an instant in the frosty air.

“ No,” she said, with a challenging edge, “ I keep having bad dreams.”

And so I strode over to  her side and took hold of her stripy gloved hands, which felt icy despite the happy coloured wool. The floodgates opened.An unspoken  question was all that she had needed from me. 

She spoke of characters who lived at the end of her road, who were known in the neighbourhood for their shady dealing, who frightened her with their dark, menacing manners.They were like monsters she said. And monsters can get anywhere.  She told of stories she had heard, of the mean actions they inflicted upon the weak and vulnerable. There was one time, she reflected, that one had approached her as she tried to enter the local shop to buy a pint of milk for her mum and how she had stayed in the shop for what seemed like hours, peering out of the windows until he disappeared. 

“I don’t feel safe,” she shrugged, “ And how do I protect my mum and my sisters if someone breaks in?”

The responsbility that she carried with her emerged, an enveloping cape of darkness, hanging so heavily,forbidding her entitled dreams.  I softly pressed her, my heart needing to  know whether she had spoken to her mother. Matter of factly she described how she had been told they would go away and not to worry. Haven’t we all had those moments in our own pasts when this advice was  given so plainly? I was filled with a  sad disappointment in us, the adults, at not wanting or being able to open ourselves up that little bit further.The proud girl had then not divulged the root of her dreams,  though she was acutely aware of them, their edges cutting into her subconsciousness night after night. A wave of protectiveness washed over her, making her stretch to stand taller.

“ I don’t want to worry her more. I love her.”

I looked deeply into those dark pools of her eyes and advised her to try again, 

“ You are a child. You are allowed to have good dreams. Ask mum to listen to you tonight. Tell me tomorrow how you got on.”

The whistle blew and I left her standing in her line, her brow furrowed in thought. I found myself mirroring her expression. 

The following morning she found me, and slipped her hand gently into mine. 

“Mum is going to buy me a dreamcatcher. It catches bad dreams real tight so they can’t get me.” 

That night I wrote dreamcatcher on my shopping list.

Colour with emotion

Colour with Emotion

My house is full of rainbows of colour, I'm also gradually  investing in a wardrobe of garments that match and express my moods. I take photos with abandon when it comes to capturing the deliciousness of colour. And therefore this could well have been such a bright and delightful photograph. But the truth this week is that I am not feeling it, instead the subtleties of grey have held my attention. Grey largely because I haven't been feeling well in body and mind. But strangely I have also found that grey doesn't only have a negative association, for I  also mean grey in the sense of  looking closely how even delicate shades of grey tell their stories in the skies, in the light inside and out. And as I take more and more grey toned/black and white photographs, I find my love for this medium of photography is growing.

I pulled this  out of the depths of my iphoto library. I took it when I was just beginning to explore photography with a basic point and shoot. I've never put it out there as it isn't technically the best, however it encapsulates my emotion at this point in time perfectly- everything has a purpose even if you have to wait a while for the purpose to become clear ;)

Get in really close

...and breathe...

And my word for 2012 is...

I love the nostalgia and the hope of a new year, and whilst I understand those who are cynical of me, who might think me sentimental or naive for believing that just a change in date will bring transformation, I try and stay clear of these voices and reflect/plan with glee.  Each of us has our own rituals that make us individuals - unique. I know that things will not magically change over night. I know that it isn’t an easy ride and putting in place commitment, positivity and patience asks much of me, but I do know that the rewards can be astonishing. My word for 2011 was connection, and it became my leitmotif throughout the year. Sometimes consciously, sometimes subconsciously, my thoughts and actions kept returning to my chosen word. I am proud of the connection I created and allowed  myself to receive. I feel richer both in mind and soul because of that guiding light. By naming an intention I am giving it power to develop within myself and in my world. Naming is power. That has to be a good thing right?

So I sat here at my desk on the 31st of December, in the late afternoon with candles lit, thinking intensely about my new word with the help of this thoughtful tool created by Susannah Conway. At first I felt anxious, as a word had not made itself known to me, and usually by this time I have a pretty clear idea of where I wish to take things. I had read so many delicious words of others, most of which I have tucked away for future nourishment, but didn’t feel I could use a word belonging so fiercely to another. Then,as my thoughts became lines, which became pages,  the word stories emerged. I have let my need to write and tell stories ebb and flow for years now, it just hasn’t felt right, for a multitude of different reasons, to pour all of myself into the task at hand. But sometimes you just have to wait patiently for your personal catalyst to come along. For me this arrived in the form of Jen Lee and especially her Telling Your Story course, which I had begun just a day earlier. As I wrote I realised I was telling my story for 2012 and that actually, the time is perfect for me right here, right now. This year is the year I will put my stories out there, it is the year I will work on telling my stories out loud to share with others, and it is the year I will listen to the stories of others more intently and more mindfully than ever before.

Happy new year my friends, may your words come true in 2012.